Communication in Relationships: Getting to the Heart of the Issue
Couples’ frustrations with communication in relationships are often expressed as: “If we could just learn to communicate!” If this sounds familiar, keep reading…
There’s usually a little more to the story than just learning to communicate. Difficulties with communication are most successfully improved with an approach that goes well beyond merely teaching couples how to talk to one another. This is based on research and years of science-based work with couples.
In this post, we will get to the “heart” of communication in relationships and I’ll give you some insights into a successful approach to being truly heard and understood by your partner or spouse.
Our Very-Human Need to Be Heard & Understood
Decades of solid research demonstrates the importance of our strong desire and need to connect emotionally with our partners. Advancements in medical technology actually show how the brain reacts very positively when our partner is close to us or, even, when we are thinking about our beloved.
Originally, people bonded with groups for safety. If we clustered together, we could better survive attacks from predators and be more efficient in finding food and shelter.
Then, we found security in one special person. When you and your partner met and fell in love, you created a strong emotional and physical attraction. Your bond keeps you close, can provide comfort when one of you is feeling stressed and is a key resource of encouragement and support.
However, when you are upset with each other, that strong bond is also the source of strong emotions. It’s not unusual for someone to say to me, “I’m a successful business person, and I manage those relationships just fine. But, at home, it’s a different story. I really struggle.”
That’s because we don’t have that special bond with colleagues or friends. With our partner, the emotions can rise (sometimes very quickly) when we’re not getting along.
Two Levels of Emotions in Couples’ Relationships
Steve and Laura (their names and circumstances have been changed to ensure confidentiality) are having one of their repeated and unresolved arguments.
What Steve sees (and feels) is that Laura is angry and frustrated that he’s procrastinated with doing the yard work that is part of his household chores. “She’s louder and her facial expressions tell me I’m not measuring up.” Steve freezes, not knowing how to reply. This causes Laura to be even more upset.
These are what we call “surface” emotions: The ones we can see, such as anger, frustration, guilt and defensiveness. These emotions are also the ones we experience when we are immediately reacting to a situation.
What Steve doesn’t see — and Laura doesn’t quite know how to express — are her deeper feelings: She feels hurt and unimportant that Steve isn’t meeting his commitments to her. She is also sad that these arguments keep coming up. There’s also a dose of fear because these conflicts have become more frequent and aren’t easily resolved.
These “deeper emotions” are the ones that matter most, yet are rarely expressed in communication in relationships. To tell our partner we are feeling fear, sadness, shame, anger and hurt means we are being more vulnerable and more deeply open. And, being vulnerable can feel quite uncomfortable when we aren’t used to expressing how we truly feel.
We actually thrive and grow as individuals and as couples when we can turn toward each other rather than away and express those deep fears and concerns. Many couples do this in therapy for the first time!
When Communication in Relationships Goes Awry
Steve and Laura agree they’ve been struggling lately. More arguing, less intimacy because of the arguing and a prevailing feeling around the house of “walking on eggshells.”
They admit they feel stuck: “We’re trapped in all this tension. Even basic attempts at communication seem to go off-track or escalate into an even bigger argument.”
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we call this the “negative cycle” of arguing and distancing. The cycle may take the form of:
- One partner pushing to talk about the problem, but the other avoids and shuts down.
- Inability to exit the argument, so the conflict can continue well beyond its beginning
- The issue over which the couple is arguing rarely gets resolved. So, the same argument keeps resurfacing.
- Greater emotional and physical distancing, as the disconnection takes its toll.
We remind couples that the negative cycle is their enemy — not each other! However, unfortunately, partners often blame each other for the cycle when communication in relationships becomes strained.
Adding to the tension, things said during a heated argument can be extremely hurtful. And, then those painful words add to the frustration and hurt already felt between the couple.
When hurtful things are said as personal criticism by a partner, the impact can be devastating. Dr. Sue Johnson, the primary creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains: “Partners usually have no clue as to the real impact of their negative judgments . . . .Criticism from loved ones rings the survival alarm bell in our brain; it sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected and abandoned.”
What We Truly Need from Our Partner
Summing up the research about love and relationships, three cornerstones of long-lasting and secure emotional responsiveness from our partner are:
- We feel confident our partner will give us their attention and be emotionally open to what we need them to hear.
- My partner will accept my needs and fears as true for me and offer comfort and caring.
- My partner is emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me. I know I can reach him or her when needed.
The good news is that couples can learn to help each other exit a negative cycle and reach a new depth of understanding of each other’s needs and what can trigger their fears of disconnection. Keep in mind that we humans are creatures who need — much like air and water — the close bond with another in order to thrive.
One of the key benefits of Emotionally Focused Therapy is that we go far beyond the old-style couples counseling of just teaching couples about communication in relationships and how to talk through their differences. We help the couple understand, express and accept each other’s deeper needs and fears and to respond with the type of compassion that truly heals and makes a difference.
So many times in my office, one partner will be awestruck at what they are learning about each other. “I never knew you felt that way!” “Now I understand why you get scared when I don’t respond to your calls or texts.” “I get it that when we don’t have sex for a while, you feel unloved.”
Let’s Now Understand the Underlying Source of Steve and Laura’s Struggles
Yes, Laura was indeed upset about Steve’s procrastination that week. Yet, their argument that ensued was the surfacing of a deeper, far more significant issue in their marriage. Here’s the fuller story. Read further to understand the roots of their negative cycles and how communication in relationships can be better understood.
What brought them to seek help was a “last straw” for Laura. When Steve was told by his doctor that he needed an angiogram “just to be sure,” he did not want Laura to be stressed. He knew it was hard for her to take off work during her busy season. So, he told her he would have his father take him for the procedure.
Deep down, though, he was scared of what would be found. He felt, though, he’d just have to be tough and get through his emotions surrounding the procedure on his own.
Meanwhile, Laura felt hurt that Steve had already arranged for his father to go with him. Her deeper emotions included feeling unimportant and unneeded.
This was, however, part of a pattern in their marriage for a long time: Steve thought he should be independent and not burden his wife with his fears. He felt his role was to be the strong one for Laura and their kids.
Meanwhile, Laura had grown tired over the years of trying to nurture and comfort John and of his discounting her efforts to soothe him. She felt she could never truly get close to him.
The angiogram issue set things into high gear of increasing negative cycles. Steve couldn’t grasp why Laura felt hurt and would become defensive when she’d try to explain. Laura felt less needed and somewhat rejected. Neither, however, had gotten to the root of their negative cycles.
In counseling, for the first time in their 18 years together, this breakdown in communication — and their deeper feelings — were gently brought to the surface.
Said Steve: “I didn’t know what was really important to her, and I was feeling dependence was bad. I wanted closeness, too, but didn’t know how to make that happen.”
Laura found she now could express her needs and be — yes, finally — understood.
A Better Path to Communication in Relationships
So, in summary, couples can learn new approaches to communicating that truly do get to the heart of the matter.
The difference includes:
- Understanding the negative cycle and realizing the cycle is the problem — not either of you
- Expressing the deeper — and often hidden from our partner — emotions such as feeling sad, hurt or afraid
- Appreciating the importance of your loving bond. This also means understanding how the powerful emotional connection can also lead to strong emotions when you’re not getting along.
- Addressing disagreements promptly to avoid building a resentment that can fester and later surface as a even stronger negative cycle
To learn even more, I recommend reading “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” (Little, Brown 2008) or “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships” (Little, Brown 2013) both written specifically for couples by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Reach Out to Me!
I offer a no-cost 20-minute phone call to help you learn more about how I work with couples and to help you see whether we are a good fit to work together. You can reach me at (443) 846-6146.
